Praying With Our Kids ~ Preparing Them For Reconciliation

I have been thinking about writing this very post for a few months now.  I know, I tend to be a procrastinator. Sometimes, I think that the Holy Spirit nudges me in a particular direction with blogging, and when a certain idea continues to weigh on my heart and my mind, I know I'm being asked to work the idea into a post.  Sometimes, the writing comes naturally, but other times, I feel a little burdened by the depth of the subject, and do not trust myself to do it proper writing justice. This time, the latter has been the case, as the topics of sin, forgiveness, and the formation of a child's conscience are not exactly light and easy writing. They deserve some thinking time....two months of thinking time, to be exact.

While this post may seem directed toward Catholics, I hope that it will not be exclusive to Catholics alone, as I am sure that all Christians can relate to the immensity of the gift of God's mercy, and as well, the need to acknowledge our own failings before the Lord, so that we can experience reconciliation with God, and with others, at the very core of our journey toward heaven.

A final note: entire books have been written on the subjects of mercy, grace, confession and reconciliation. My intent is not to dig into the theological details - you can study that on your own (see links to resources below).  The real purpose of the post is to help parents consider the value of their role in forming their child's conscience, and how our positive participation in their spiritual lives can potentially bear great fruit.

The list of topics I will briefly touch upon:

1.  First, setting it up with a story.
2.  This is where the rubber meets the road: We must know the problem (sin) to embrace the solution (salvation in Christ).
3.  Considerations for the formation of your child's conscience.
4.  How to begin formation, and why it's appropriate to begin instruction at an early age.
5.  A gentle examination of conscience for children.

1. THE STORY 
On Halloween night, Steve and I sat down on the floor with the kids flanked by bags overflowing with a variety of sweet treats. Just looking at it made my teeth ache!  We decided to let each child choose 5 pieces (beyond the gazillion they had already consumed) that they could keep and enjoy at their own discretion, the rest would be put into a community basket to be handed out as rewards or for spontaneous enjoyment.

The next day, running downstairs to George and Henry's room to deliver the laundry, I discovered a countless amount of candy wrappers strung out all over the floor.  I knew that someone had taken far more than the 5 pieces they were allowed to keep.  Pausing here for a moment, I will say that this is probably a typical experience for most parents - kids sneaking candy.  But, in sharing the ordinary story, I hope to point out that in the natural daily occurrences of life, there are ample opportunities for parents to guide their children away from sin and toward virtue.

To a certain extent, hoarding a handful of candy isn't isn't the end of the world. However, when I stopped to think about the fact that the boys had to scheme, plan and execute a mission to break into the community stash and steal their favorite pieces, instead of just asking me for more, I saw how their poor decision could eventually become a habit, and habitual sin often times turns into bigger sins. This situation provided an opportunity for me to speak briefly (not lecture) the boys about honesty, self-control, and obedience as well.

Beginning to dialog with your kids at an early age about sinful (yep, I said it, SIN, SIN, SIN, let's just call it what it is, folks) behavior vs. virtuous behavior paves the way for future spiritual growth, whether it's preparation for the sacrament of confession for Catholics, or, for people of other faiths, spending time in honest self-reflection and contrite prayer before the Lord.

As Catholics, when two people get married, they make a promise during their vows to be the primary teachers of the Faith to their children.  To me, that promise is not to be solely fulfilled by school teachers or religios education volunteers at church. Those generous individuals are here to assist us, but we as parents are the primary educators of our children.

With that in mind...

2. WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD
Three of our sons each made their first confession around the age of eight.  Preparing them for that new spiritual experience was quite a mission, a mission that is on-going. The first time Steve an I prepared our oldest son, Benedict, to receive the sacrament, we were both nervous, wanting to be sure that Ben knew the 10 commandments, what the effects of sin are, the proper step each person goes with the priest during confession.  We were fresh at this, careful to cross our t's and dot our i's as if there were some formula to it all. Our heart's intentions were noble, but our methods a bit mechanical.

A child's mind is so very impressionable, and their little hearts so sensitive.  More than we give them credit for, I believe.  In essence, to place a young person before a crucifix, a staggering image of both suffering and hope, and tell them that Jesus died for our sins isn't simple stuff.  Proclaiming that Christ died to save you and me is a statement of ENORMOUS proportions. What can it possibly mean to a child??  And yet, even as adults, we hear it over and over again, all of the time. But what does it mean to us?? To our kiddos??

Surely, this is a primary argument against the Catholic Church encouraging confession at such a young age.  Perhaps.  I can relate to certain points of the opposition.  But, objective knowledge of the truths of the sacrament of reconciliation combined with personal experience of seeing the fruits of preparing a child to receive sacramental grace is an undeniable good. The opportunity to help our children grow in virtue is one not to be missed.  So how do we make "Christ died for you and me" real and desirable for our children rather than scary, bewildering, or overwhelming??

Going back to the image of Christ on the cross and the communication of His coming for our salvation, (for me), is where the rubber meets the road.  The Old Testament is filled with stories and images that reveal humanity's deep, deep need for a Savior.  One who could redeem us by paying a debt we could never pay, one who could save us from our own sinfulness by inviting us to share in the outpouring of His graces, a Savior who can strengthen us, through his example and through his mercy, with the courage to forgive others as we, ourselves, have been forgiven, a Savior who heals, who loves, who longs to draw us into Himself and lead us to spend eternity with Him in heaven.

What does that mean for us, and particularly for our children? To state that a SAVIOR is coming to SAVE can only imply one thing: that we need to be rescued, pulled out of the muck and mire, away from the attachment to our selfish, sinful ways, to free us from that which binds us (sin), that which keeps us from embracing what is true, good and beautiful.  But, if one cannot, or will not, recognize a problem (sin), then what need is there for a solution (Christ)??

The words, "He has come to set us free from sin, "He has come to heal the broken-hearted," "He has come to SAVE us" means nothing to a child (to any person) who cannot or will not recognize a need to be saved.  If a child's conscience isn't lovingly formed to recognize right vs. wrong, virtue vs. sin, and in turn, shown the beautiful, passionate love of Jesus to help us, to guide us and to free us, when the time comes for the child to go to confession, confession will merely be a formality, another Catholic "hoop" to jump through, another parental "because it's just what we Catholics do", a routine without reason. Or, worse yet, their little hearts will reject the idea of confession, sorrow and contrition entirely and never embrace it's essential importance in their life's journey toward heaven. Jesus longs for us to be with Him in heaven.  Heaven is our goal! Children really can embrace this truth!

4. CONSIDERATIONS FOR FORMATION
The primary way, then, in my opinion, to help a child turn toward Christ, without fear or hesitation, is to gently begin to dialog with them about sin and virtue.  The church recognizes that most children do not reach the age of reason until 6 or 7 years old (for some, it's younger), and therefore, are not as responsible for their own misbehavior as an older child would be.  But, we have found that around the age of four children are very receptive to simple yet specific instruction. For example, if a child hits another person, a natural reaction is to say, "NO, NO! Don't do that! That's naughty!"  Instead, try pausing, bending down on your knees, holding the child's hand and saying, "Our hands are for love. When you hit others you hurt them.  Hitting does not make Jesus happy." In doing so, you take the moment beyond scolding.  The child will eventually make the connection between the virtuous choice (our hands are for love) and the sinful choice (hitting), and is encouraged to choose that which is pleasing to Jesus.

Then, it is very important to encourage the offender to ask for forgiveness. Saying "I'm sorry" to another is never easy, but encouraging the child to be contrite and then receiving his/her contrition with affectionate reassurance will only strengthen them in the virtue of humility as they grow and mature. This is just the beginning of the formation.  Gentle and simple.

By the age of 6 or 7, the child can receive even more specific formation.  It is important not only to recognize when a child falls short of virtuous behavior, but to catch them doing good.  Teaching the power and beauty of virtue is equally as important as your instruction on sin - they both are essential for formation of conscience.  I cannot place enough emphasis on being careful that you do not fall into "scold and preach mode" with your children, especially for the sake of being right all of time. Doing so will quickly and easily discourage the child, and he/she will either solely desire to please you (instead of the Lord) so as not to be in trouble, or worse yet, they will rebel against your authority and their hearts will become hardened and insensitive.

Let me give you a simple example of this type of positive formation. If one of our children is seen sharing freely something that they value with another, I might say something like, "Thank you, Henry for sharing! You are being very generous, and that is a virtue!  God is so happy right now!" If the child refuses to share, encourage them with, "Henry, I believe that you can be virtuous in this moment and share your toys.  I know it isn't easy, but it pleases the Lord and makes others happy too!"

This same approach can be used effectively with older children as well.  Our oldest son, Ben, is nearly a teenager, and responds so well to conversation, affection and instruction.  When we see him behaving in a virtuous way - especially when it would be so much easier to choose the easy, sinful way, whether it be selfishness, anger, fighting, disrespect etc, we praise him for the specific virtue that he exercises (self-control, generosity, prudence, etc.). We can immediately see in his demeanor that our praise is meaningful to him, because it balances out the more difficult instruction that we are often called to work on with regards to his struggles with particular types of sin.

DISCLAIMER:

PLEASE know that there are times when we do not succeed in teaching according to methods I'm sharing with you.  Honestly, on the days when I feel that hell can't possibly get any deeper, catechetical methodology is the last thing on my mind. Sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed and exasperated, and I don't feel like talking to my son about why he shouldn't throw a book across the room out of anger at his brother, knocking pictures off of the wall, shattering them into pieces. Sometimes that kid just gets sent to his room, is then forced to do a multitude of chores or miss supper, because I'm too frustrated to gently remind him why acting out in anger never bears any fruit.  That's real life - and I get it.  But, if you have a long term spiritual goal to form your child's conscience, don't give up! Even on the hardest days, we must keep trying! With a little effort and cooperation with God's grace, our attentiveness to our children's souls, with consistent encouragement and instruction, will bear a multitude of fruit.

As well....sometimes kids are just going to be kids.  They are going to be fussy, emotional, ornery and crazy!! Sometimes you just need to let them be.  Don't hyper-analyze their every word or action. Use prudent judgement when it comes to focusing on certain sinful behaviors that you see are becoming habit and work with your kids on those.

5.  A GENTLE EXAMINATION OF CONSCIENCE
Once a week, Steve or I sit down with the boys in the evening for a general examination of conscience. All of the children are invited to join us if they choose, but when they reach the age of six or seven, we request that they always participate with us in this form of prayer.

Examination of conscience may sound formal or technical, but really it's just a way of thinking about the way you have lived your life over the course of the day, week, or however long it's been since you last contemplated your actions and the positive or negative effects your actions may have had on the state of your soul.  For our kids, it's once a week (the older kids are encouraged to include it in their own personal nightly prayers).  There is a simple format that we use. And, we don't stick to it rigorously.  Sometimes, we ask different questions, say different prayers, or talk about the life of a saint and how he or she struggled, just as we do, toward heaven.

The goal for this examination experience is that it be NATURAL. The atmosphere should be peaceful and positive.  Remember, the goal isn't to pull out your naughty/nice measuring stick - it's to help the child recognize his/her weaknesses and to praise their virtuous strengths.

The questions used in the examination of conscience (step #4 below) are structured around the Ten Commandments.  While it's good for your kids to memorize the Commandments, they will need help with the application of the Commandments in every day life.  This approach helps the kids to embrace the good news that God wants us all to be free, to be healthy, to be happy.  His laws aren't meant to be a ball and chain, they are meant to liberate us from that which is harmful to our happiness, to our health (sin) so that we may know and live the fullness of the abundant life He desires for us!

Our prayerful examination is typically is experienced in these steps:

1.  Find a quiet place where you can sit together and begin with the sign of the cross.
2. Opening prayer:

 My Lord and my God, I firmly believe that you are here, that you see me, that you hear me. 

I adore you with profound reverence, I ask your pardon for my sins, 

and the grace to make this time of prayer fruitful. 

Mary, my Immaculate Mother, Saint Joseph my father in the Lord, 

and my guardian angel, intercede for me. - Amen.

3.  Allow several minutes of quiet personal reflection.
4.  One parent will read the questions (noted below) aloud as the child contemplates the question       quietly in his or her heart. *  End the examination with and Act of Contrition (below).
5. The parent(s) may then confess his or her shortcomings for the week, ask for forgiveness, and request that the their children pray for them. Remember, we lead by example.  Humility is not an easy virtue to exercise, but if we lead in love, they will surely follow.
6.  The children may then confess any of their own struggles (but, they DO NOT have to), and ask for prayers as well.  This step can be huge for kids, not only are they practicing humility, but also patience with and compassion toward the shortcomings of others.
7.  The parent(s) spend time praising the virtuous behaviors that they have seen in their children that week (being very specific - see link to list of virtues below).
8.  The children may then praise one another as they so desire.
9.  Take turns reading select verses or parables on God's mercy from the bible (see list below).
10.  Recite a litany of your favorite saints, followed by "Pray for us."

*This is a good time to remind the kids, especially if you are reading the questions in preparation for the sacrament of confession that three things are necessary for reconciliation: 1. Thorough confession of the sin 2. True contrition for the sin 3. Fulfillment of the penance given by the priest.

Questions For Examination:

As the children get older, based upon their maturity, you may ask more detailed questions specific specific to each commandment.  These are simply our suggestions, you may fill in your own questions as you like.

 - 1. -

I am the Lord your God. You shall not have any other gods before me.

Did I make time to visit with the Lord today?
Did I speak about the Lord with joy and courage? Or did I turn away in embarrassment or fear?

- 2. - 

You shall not take the name of the Lord, your God, in vain.

Did I speak the Lord's name in a way that was disrespectful?
Did I honor the Lord's name in prayer and praise either aloud or in my heart?

- 3. -

Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day

Did I grumble over going to Mass/church on Sunday?
Was I disruptive or did I misbehave at Mass/church on Sunday?
Did I skip going to church in order to attend a sporting event or other activity?
When children are young, it is the responsibility of the parent to prepare the kids for church, to teach them about the liturgy, to help them learn their prayers, to dress them appropriately, and to lead by example through personal reverence and joy.  Therefore, this question, for young children, should be focused on behavior and attitude.  For older kids, you may wish to include questions related to doing unnecessary work on Sundays or skipping Mass in favor of extra-curricular activities or if they are expected to drive to church on their own, and simply choose not to go.

- 4. - 

Honor your mother and father.

Did I treat my parents with love and respect?
Do I listen to and respond to my parents' requests with promptness?
Have I tattled on a sibling or a friend today?
Do I honor and respect the authority of my teachers, my grandparents?

- 5. -

You shall not kill.

Did I recoginze the needs of others and help, or did I turn away?

Have I caused physical pain or harm to anyone today?

Were you too hard on yourself today?

Did I speak positively of others? 

Did I recognize others hurts and seek to comfort them?
Was I a leader to my peers by virtue and good example or did I lead anyone astray?

- 6. -

You shall not commit adultery.

Did I look upon others with charity (and purity - for older children)?
Did I look at any pictures or watch any television that might cause me to think impure thoughts (older children)?

- 7. -

You shall not steal.

Did I take anything from anyone which didn't belong to me?

If I borrowed something that belonged to someone else, did I return it promptly?

Did I share my blessings and gifts with others today?
Was I quick to be generous, or did I choose to be selfish with my possessions?

- 8. -

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Was I truthful in all matters today?
Have I stretched the truth at times to make myself look good to others?
Have I said anything dishonest about another out of spite, so that they might get in trouble?

- 9. -

You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.

Am I demanding of my parents' time together, or do I allow them to have personal space? 

Am I controlling in my friendships, or jealous of others' relationships?

Do I exclude others, or do I invite others to join me and my friends in play?

Do I think of myself as better than others, or do I try to see the good in everyone?

- 10. -

You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

Am I thankful for the gifts God has given me, or do I wish to have what others have?

Am I content with what my parents have provided for me, or do I complain?

Do I share my material possessions with others?

Am I thankful for the strengths and talents God has given me? Do I use them to serve Him?

Act of Contrition:

O, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you. I detest all my sins because of your just punishment, but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.

- OR - 

For little ones, a simple, yet earnest prayer can be said with them.  For example:

My Jesus, I am sorry for the wrong that I have done.

Please forgive me.

Help me to do my best and to be my best each day.

I love you! Amen.

Scripture Verses For Memorization and/or Reflection:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. - Micah 6:8

Christ came that we might have life and have it to the full.  - John 10:10

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.  - Psalm 86:5

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:16

But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love with which he loved us. - Ephesians 2:4

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 

- 2 Corinthians 5:17

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  - Psalm 103:8-12 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that we should not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galations 2:20

Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins.  - 1 Peter 4:8

Parable of the Prodigal Son - Luke 15:11-32

One of the beautiful messages I have learned from spiritual direction through Opus Dei is the phrase, "begin again."  Our lives are full and busy and at times very overwhelming, so much so, that most people, myself included, would probably admit that it is difficult to find time to pray, or to direct our attention toward the Lord throughout the day.  This is where the examination of conscience comes into play and can be so very helpful in the spiritual life.  You aren't just working toward temporary earthly goals, but toward the greatest goal of all, which is heaven. God's mercy is new with each and every day, so even though we fall again and again, we can also, with courage, begin again and again!!

We spend all kinds of time ensuring our kids can catch a pass, shoot a free throw, sing on key, are bilingual and can do long division in their heads, and all of those things are good and noble.  But, whatever we place a strong emphasis on, whatever we demonstrate as important through our actions, our children will also deem important and value as priority. With the parent's leadership, working together, as a family, toward spiritual goals can be a natural part of daily life.

Additional Resources:

Catechism of the Catholic Church's Teaching On the Sacrament of Reconciliation

Catechism of the Catholic Church's Teachings on Virtue

31 Biblical Virtues to Pray For Your Kids

The Return of the Prodigal Son

Seven Secrets To Confession

A Printable Version of the Guide for Examination: 

Raising Boys: 10 Loving Lessons Just For Moms

After receiving a number of e-mails from new readers asking questions on the topic of raising boys, I thought I would reach out to them by re-posting the following article that I wrote last spring. 
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If someone would have told me 13 years ago that I would someday be the mother of 5 boys, I'm not sure if I would have laughed or ran screaming in the opposite direction!!  Raising our sons has offered me greater challenges and deeper joys than I could have ever imagined.  And, while, I would dearly love to have a daughter, I wouldn't change a chapter of this story for anything!

When our first son, Ben, was born, I had read so many books on motherhood that I thought for sure I had it all down, and that it would be just that - textbook, predictable, planned.  Go ahead and laugh, because I am!! Good golly, I even tried to apply the "textbook" method to Ben's labor and delivery, and (of course) it went NOTHING like I imagined it was supposed to. Life has a terrific way of humbling us, doesn't it??

Nearly 13 years and 5 sons later, I have learned a great deal from many incredible parents, grandparents and numerous experts a wealth of essential tips and truths on raising healthy, happy boys.  Without any girls to identify with, I'll readily admit that, at times, I have felt overwhelmed and confused, to say the least. Some of the lessons have been difficult, and yet others have come surprisingly natural to me (I account those to grace alone.).  And, I'm still learning - every day, I'm learning.  Thankfully, I have an amazing husband by my side to help me understand the (sometimes) maddening mysteries of manhood! 

I often hear parents say, "We raise all of our children the same, none are ever treated differently....it's only fair, really."  Pardon me, while I respectfully disagree with that for a moment.  While I applaud any parents' aspirations to be fair and just, what we must realize is that fair doesn't always mean "same" or "exactly alike." Every child deserves to be raised as an individual, as they each have different needs, different personalities, and different gifts.  And, I know this is going to be a shocker, but boys and girls should not be raised the same.  Loved equally, yes, absolutely.  Raised identically, no. I hope that as you read on, you will find sincerity as well as objectivity in my explanations. 

Are you still here?? Great!! I'd love to share with you some of the lessons that I have learned about raising, nurturing and understanding the heart of a boy, lessons that may seem obvious to a dad, but ones that perhaps a mom might appreciate hearing from the heart of another mom.  In the end, I hope you come away from this post feeling encouraged and supported in your very important, irreplaceable role as a mother.

1.  This may be an obvious one, but boys need to have the freedom to wrestle and climb, to roar and grunt and karate chop your house plants. They do not have ADD, they have energy, and they need an generous amount of time and space to run free.  Don't freak out when they act a little wild, a little fearless. Don't take them to the doctor, don't Google symptoms of hyperactivity, and don't suffocate them by constantly telling them to calm down, sit down and be quiet.  No, I don't mean let them behave destructively or disrespectfully (more about that in #2), but do not stifle their enthusiasm.  If you do, they will rebel and probably find a way to channel their energy into something else, something unhealthy.  I see many young boys engaging in video games, because they truly feel as though they have nothing else to do. This is a travesty. Trust me, it is very, very difficult to mend a boy's broken spirit.  Let them play!  You will have to repaint your walls, reinforce their bunk beds with scrap iron, and patch holes in their jeans.  Accept that, and then let them be off on their next adventure.

2.  As a natural response to #1, please know that I am speaking in terms of balance, not extremes.  That being said, boys do need to be taught self-control, prudence, the value of being polite, having manners and demonstrating proper etiquette.   Don't make excuses for them when they are thoughtless, rude or sloppy, by saying, "Oh, he's just being a boy!"  If you patiently teach them that times and situations call for a particular type of behavior and attitude, they will not only become natural leaders, but they will also gain self-confidence as well as the respect of others. Moms, it is proper for us to expect good manners at the supper table, "please" and "thank you" in daily interactions and please, never, ever allow your son(s) to speak disrespectfully to you (your husband should always be at your side in these situations). Knights were once required to learn proper etiquette/manners before they could wield a sword. It was the beginning stage of proving their worth as knights. Why? Self-control and discipline in the small things opens the door to strength and wisdom in the bigger battles of life.

3.  This lesson was inspired by Dr. Dobson's Bringing Up Boys, and I'm sharing it with you, because we've heeded it with every single one of our boys, and hold fast to it's importance. As moms we hold our baby boys close with all of our motherly love and attentiveness, as we should, but when our sons turn 2, it is very important for us to use those arms to toss them towards daddy! Step back a bit.  Allow more father-son time to take place, one-on-one.  This will help foster the natural masculinity of your son, because he will be able to identify more assuredly with his father.  You don't need to be gone for long periods of time, just an hour or two each week.  Consider going for an evening walk a couple of times a week, meeting up with friends, shopping for groceries or encouraging your "men" to go outside and play together or work on a project while you make supper.  Your son won't love you less - in fact, he will love and appreciate you even more! Let him go out and be a "big boy" with his papa.  He needs this from you.   In addition, I have seen many moms over the years who have an excessive (controlling) closeness with their sons, sons who are young men or even adults.  Cut. The. Cord.  Your main man should be your husband, he is first in priority of your love and attentiveness, not your son.  Your son should know his place in the family, without question.....and so should you.

4.  You didn't think I would forget to add how horribly and horrifyingly gross boys can be to this list did you?? If your boys should ever get lost in a forest and are near starvation, they will not hunt for berries or edible plants.  They will eat their boogers and then yell, "MOM!!!" until they loose their voices.  The whole booger issue totally mystifies me, and I find them everywhere, I mean everywhere!!  And, then there's the poop saga.  I have literally gone into my sons' bathroom 3 days in a row and seen no toilet paper on the ring.  Seriously??  Then, I get to the laundry and I see the damage that 3 days of no toilet paper can do. Uuuggghhhh!!! (I KNOW you can relate!!)  "Stop picking, please wipe, don't forget to flush and, for the love of Pete, wash your hands!!" will be on repeat for all of us moms until our boys flee the nest.  The only real way to deal with this unfortunate circumstance is with wine.  Lots and lots of wine.

5.  Cook for your sons.  They will never forget how beautifully you loved them in this sacrificial way. I know it seems small or old-fashioned, but some of our best family conversations have taken place around the supper table. And, I get the BEST hugs after a killer meal!  Food can also be used to achieve particular goals.  Are you followin' me here??  If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so too be a boys!  Hold a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies above their heads and their rooms will be cleaned faster than you can say dust bunnies.

6.   Chill out a bit with the toy weapons.  I once had a neighbor who would not let her child play with my boys, because we allowed them to have wooden rifles.  However, she thought that swords were just fine - you know, a more civilized way of engaging in warfare.  Oh, I get it!! No, I don't, I'm lying right now. {Sigh.} Like it or not, here's the facts: If you keep every plastic pistol or pirate sword out of a boy's grip, they will find a way to fashion some type of weapon out of tree branches, tinker-toys or chop-sticks.  Your boys are not violent, they are not killers or haters, and letting them play with toy weapons isn't going to turn them into monsters.  Boys are born to be protectors, and if their instincts are nurtured in the proper way, someday they will protect your freshly sprouting garden from pests and more importantly, they will protect a lady from a predator - without hesitation.  Your sons are in more serious danger of developing a violent nature when they engage in violent video games, television and movies than they are if allowed to participate in innocent, imaginative play with friends. Just ask your father or grandfather - those "great" generations - about this.

7.  The world is pretty good at telling boys that they aren't as good as girls or really any different than girls, so they shouldn't act different or be different.  This is a terrible lie.  Don't buy into it.  Boys absolutely need to be boys and feel no shame or make no apologies for that. Praise and admire their masculine strengths!  Our sons natural talents should not be minimized because they are faster or stronger than their female peers, and they shouldn't be punished for it either.  As men and women, we're made to be complimentary not competitive, unique, not uniform.  It is our very complimentarity that brings beauty, strength and individuality to the world.  When you embrace your authentic femininity as a mother, you actually help your son grow to become an authentic man. 

8.  If you were ever a cheerleader back in the day, now is the time to practice those chants.  Boys don't need us to tell them how to throw the ball or tackle the opponent (even though many of us are awesome at sports and could easily coach our sons!), they need us to cheer for them, to encourage them, and then to let them know that we'll be their most loyal supporter, win or lose, whether it be on the football field or in the classroom.  Don't be a boss.  I've been to countless athletic events where the mom is  screaming red-faced at her son while the dad stands by texting on his phone. Those aren't tough-love moms, they're misguided moms.  And Dads, oh, dads, (slap-slap) wake up.  As parents we are here to guide, not take over the coach's job, and not make our sons feel as though their very lives depend on a touch-down pass.  Rah-rah, that's your job.  Now do it.  Do it proudly, moms!

9.  This one is closely related to #8.  A boy's (and a man's) biggest fear is failure.  So many mom's out there want to raise "good" boys who are virtuous and successful in life.  But, I know from experience, that when I'm on them all of the time with everything (school work, chores, fighting with siblings etc.) they can easily lose confidence in themselves.  They are already putting enough pressure on themselves in every aspect of life, they don't really need us to drop a few hundred extra pounds on their shoulders.  There are times when I've gone to bed at night and felt contrite for being too nit-picky with my young boys, for being too hard on them, for taking discipline too far, for lecturing too long. Let things go once in a while....it's okay.  Sometimes they need a hug and a pass more than they need a lecture or a punishment. (Isn't that true for us as well??)

10.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I must confess that one of the most difficult aspects of living in a house full of boys is dealing with my own sensitive nature.  As women, we are more easily hurt, offended and slighted than men are.  It doesn't mean that boys are insensitive or cold, they just aren't wired the same way that we are, and as moms, we need to show them how to be more tender without belittling their personhood or being overly dramatic.  One thing that has helped me when I'm tempted to fall into loneliness or self-pity after being slighted by a son is this: Whenever one of my sons draws me a picture or writes me a note of any kind, I save it in a special place.  And, when one has hurt my feelings or is struggling with a particular discipline issue that is difficult for me to handle, I go back to the pictures/notes and remember the love that my boys have for me, and the love that I have for them.  It truly does mend a broken heart.

A boy is Truth with dirt on its face,

Beauty with a cut on its finger,

Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair,

and the Hope of the future with a frog in it's pocket.

~ Author Unknown

The Wad of Gum In My Hair and Other Weekly Wonders {7QT}

Happy Friday, beautiful people!!  Here they are, my 7 Quick Takes for the week!

1.  Tropical Trident is the (Hair) Bomb

Let's just start by getting the sticky stuff out of the way, shall we?? This week wasn't one I'd like to revisit, but it's over, and I'm hoping that the weekend will medicate my melancholy mood. Before I put the past behind me, let me just share one of the (many) Jack-n-Coke moments of the week...  

While sitting at the desk painfully paying bills, dear sweet Charlie climbed up on my lap and smothered me with one of those slobbery neck hugs that I love so much.  After hopping down, he turns to me and says, "Where my gum go?" My first thought was that it was now thoroughly wrapped up in carpet threads somewhere, or clinging to his clothes, so I begin to hunt everywhere for the lost wad of chaw.  It was nowhere to be found.  BUT THEN....

Hours later, while pulling my hair up into a ponytail I feel a lump of something sticky.  No, no, no, no, no, nooooooo!!! All the denial in the world couldn't make that chunk of tropical flavored Trident disappear.  That's what I get for desperately trying to pacify a toddler's chompers during an English lesson on pronouns.  I knew peanut butter would get it out, but GAG.  I couldn't do it.  Then, I read online that the salt and oil in the peanut butter is what dissolves the gum.  A little conditioner and some table salt did the trick.  Whew! No need for scissors!

2.  Call Me Camera Happy 

Tuesday was one of those beautiful days where the sun was soft, the breeze light and everything about autumn seemed perfect.  Such a lovely setting was just the spark of motivation I needed to get the kids' pictures taken for the family Christmas card.  In just a few minutes, everyone was dressed and perched in a pose.  With my camera ready and a bucket of bribes at my side, I went for it. To my surprise, things went relatively smooth! And, after about 3 minutes of snapping group pics, they actually asked me to take individual shots.  I was sooooo surprised and totally delighted that they wanted to keep the photo happy moment going! My favorite family pictures are usually the un-posed ones, but once in a while, it's nice to have a calm, focused shot that doesn't have random limbs or flying objects in the background.

Benedict 12

Andrew 11

George 9

Henry 6

Charlie 2.5 

3.  A Thought-Provoking Read

A very wise couple, whom Steve and I just recently met, sent us a link to an article that I has had me thinking about and re-evaluating certain aspects of parenthood lately.  The article, posted on Joshua Harris' blog, is titled Homeschool Blindspots, but it's not really just for homeschoolers. It's for all parents, particularly those who are trying really, really hard (perhaps too hard) to do everything right. I hope you'll make time to read it - then let me know what you think.

4.  A Homeschool Book I (Admittedly) Love

When I bought this book to enrich Andrew's history curriculum this year, I knew that his interest in it would be questionable, because he HATES to craft.  But, I decided to give it a go, and he really enjoys it.  With 3 different grades to manage, finding activities that are effective and efficient are a challenge. This activity fits the bill.  While Andrew cuts and assembles the historical figures, I read the accompanying biography card to him.  Then, he researches and selects a quote from the figure, and we hang both up on the classroom wall. George Washington's bubble says: It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the bible. 

 5.  Our Election Baby's Birthday

{George receiving Henry's gift - because one can never have too many flashlights!}

On Sunday we celebrated our son, George's, 9th birthday.  We fondly refer to him as our election baby, because I labored with him through the night of the 2004 presidential election. Watching your kids grow up is always bitter sweet.  To me, they will always be my babies!!

6.  I'm Hosting Thanksgiving!

              

Rosemary & Chipotle Spiced Nuts and Ranch Pretzels call for beer!

This year, with my mom's recent health news, I've decided to rally the sibling troops together to give her a break and host Thanksgiving here at our house. We're crazy excited to have everyone (except my dear sister, Sara) here for the holiday.  My goal is to have everything be fabulous but not fussy. So far, I have a list of snacks and bar tending adventures covered (I like to prioritize). Do you have any advice for me? A favorite recipe to share? Please feel free to comment! 

 7.  Running in Awe of Autumn

{The grass along the highway where I ran on Sunday glistened in the afternoon sun!}

I run year round, and really do love to savor the changing of the seasons each time I hit the road. But there's something really special about fall.  It's the season I rarely run with headphones. The sounds of the leaves rustling on the trees, the rich red and deep brown hues stretched across the landscape are the last breath of an earth's reeling in a moment of glory before the deep sleep of winter. Such spiritual sights capture my attention and draw me into greater gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, it moves me to praise, to pray, to soak in every last step.  Isn't it wonderful how God's grandeur can do that??

Have a wonderful weekend, my friends!!

Put Your Party Hat On - Five (Favorite) Reasons We Love to Celebrate the Lives of the Saints

Charlie having a ball at our annual St. Patty's Day party.

We're pretty big partiers in this house. You should know that by now about us.  We get a little crazy with food and love and presents on birthdays, new babies are celebrated daily for at least a good six months, then there's sporting victories and end-of-the-season parties.  We like to have good grade parties and shin-digs for excellent performances at recitals, and that's all on top of the normal holidays. So, if that weren't already enough to raise the roof, why not add the feast days of the saints to the party calendar??

Some people, especially non-Catholics, may think it's a little bit hoakie to celebrate the life and achievements of a bunch of dead people.  I get that.  Sort of.  But, if the squeemers and doubters came to our house and dined with us, and read about the lives of the saints with us, and raised their glasses with us, I bet the keys to the kingdom that those people wouldn't hate it. Hoakie? Maybe.  Hate? Naaah.

When our homeschool life began, so did the seriousness of our acceptance of the responsibility to teach our children about Christ and the Church.  As Catholics, in the recitation of our wedding vows, we make the promise to be the primary catechists of our kids.  It was natural, then, for us to choose to incorporate church history and biographies of the lives of the saints into the boys' education.  Now, remembering the saints is  just a part of the rhythm of life for us - there is no separation of our Faith and daily life.  Our daily life is our Faith, it's living it, learning it, and striving after it every day.

Here's 5 darn good reasons to consider celebrating the lives of the saints in your home too (if you enjoy a good St. Patty's Day brew or some chocolate on St. Valentine's Day, you're already on your way!):

1.  The saints weren't always saints.

The first time I thumbed through the Butlers Lives of the Saints as a high-schooler, I wasn't thrilled. The pages were filled with characters, mostly priests or nuns, who seemed to be bear the gene of automatic super-piousness.  If their lives seemed unrelatable and their holiness unattainable, what was the point of reading on??  Some of my reaction was a natural aversion to the way the book was written, highlighting only the achievements of the saint, and not the real life stuff, and some was due to my own immaturity.  Now that I've studied various sources on numerous saints, I feel quite the opposite.

It's comforting to know that while many of the saints were born with an unusually deep desire to live a virtuous life and to please God, even more of them battled temptations, lived worldly lives, made grave errors (hello, St. Augustine's "Confessions" is like the soap opera that fell in some holy water), they were arrogant, vain, jealous, deceitful, promiscuous and the list goes on.  But, in the end, they all chose Christ over and over again, and show us that it's never to late to say no to ourselves and yes to grace.  I think my kids can relate to that.  I know I can.

2.  You don't have to be a nun, a priest or a martyr to become a saint.

I used to think that was true. I thought, hey that's just a nice little group of holy nuns and priests over there, and I'm over here hangin' out in the "runner-up" category of married people. Wrong, again!  While there aren't as many written accounts of married saint's as religious saints, I believe there are countless married saints in heaven that we will never know about.  Marriage and the raising of children is a supreme sacrifice that has the beautiful potential to lead us to deeper union with Christ (which is the definition of holiness) if we embrace it.  The work of Opus Dei inspires me ever day to seek and believe the truth that our everyday work, whatever it may be, can lead us to holiness.  St. Josemaria, a priest, and founder the Work, was a great inspiration to, and advocate for, married people and their families.

3.  Saints can pray for us, so maybe we should get to know them before we ask for stuff.

Often times, when driving by a cemetery, I will spot a person or two sitting next to the grave of a loved one whom they miss very much.  But, chances are, they aren't just sitting, but talking to that person, asking that person to watch over them, to help them, to pray for them.  I think it's amazing the way the God has wired into us a desire to remain connected with those we love, even after they're gone.  That's not sentiment, it's real and natural experience of love and the longing we all have inside for heaven (whether we feel it or know it to be true, it's there).  We can ask the saints in heaven to intercede for us any time. Taking our special and most urgent requests to them, it is with faith that we believe that they will lay our needs before the Lord and pray for our acceptance of whatever the Lord's will may be.  I feel like I have an army of people cheering me on through life upstairs!

{Please don't mistake me, I'm not suggesting you bypass the Lord himself (as if it's possible to bypass omniscience.)  Of course you can pray directly to Christ! I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't, but it doesn't hurt to have a support group advocating for your every need, does it?}

4.  Saints exist outside of time and, yet, their writings are timeless.

This one comes on the heels of #1, but I cannot say enough about the personal writings of many of the saints, and the application to our daily lives, even though they may have been penned hundreds of years ago.  Don't believe me? Just read any of St. Paul's epistles in the bible - he address so many of the things we struggle with today, and gives us the supreme answer to the problems: JESUS.  Just a few other examples of Saints whose writings have won my heart are St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Faustina, St. Edith Stein, St. Josemaria Escriva, St. John Vianney, St. John Bosco, Blessed Mother Theresa, Blessed John Paul II and St.Bernard of Clairvoux.

5.  We can always use another reason to eat cake!

Seriously, if not for any other reason than to make something chocolate, then by all means honor them with chocolate!  We don't celebrate the life of every saint, but there's at least 2 or 3 each month that we never miss.  Sometimes I try to make the food specific to an aspect of the saint's life, so that the kids can make a connection, and other times, we just celebrate with something yummy.  For example, we honor St. Faustina, Blessed John Paul II and St. Maximillian Kolbe all together with Polish brats and sourkraut.  For. St. Therese's feast day, I make mini rose cakes, and for St. Patrick's day it's traditional Irish Beef and Guinness stew.  Many of the feasts have become traditions for our family, and the boys really love knowing what we will be enjoying for food and/or games and activities that day.  They look forward to it with great expectation!

My "go-to" resources for celebratory ideas (crafts, recipes, books etc.) are:

Catholic Icing

Catholic Cuisine

Shower of Roses

Building the Family (cookbook)

A Continual Feast (cookbook)

Recent Party Pics:

{More Feasting Ideas under "Faith"}

St. Therese's Feast Day (October 1):

Charlie loves to help me bake!

The table is set with roses and our favorite book about Therese.

Lemon rose cakes with lemon glaze.

Feast of the Guardian Angels (October 2):

The boys made angel wings from pretzels, white chocolate and sprinkles.

All Saints Day (November 1):

George: St. Paul

Andrew: St. Andrew

Henry: St. George

Charlie: St. Francis of Assisi

Eight was Great, But Nine is Prime! Happy Birthday, George!

I'll never forget the memorable evening, 9 years ago, when I began to labor at home in happy, yet nervous, anticipation of the arrival of our third son, George.  It was 2004, a presidential election year. I was determined to hang out at home for as long as possible, and spent the night on the couch drifting in and out of sleep, watching the ballot counts swing back and forth between Bush and Kerry while the contractions came and went.

At the crack of dawn, the time between contractions was getting much shorter, and I knew it was time for Steve to speed me away to the hospital. The moment our sweet, perfect, baby George was born I didn't anticipate that every single person in the hospital would ask me if we named him after George Bush, but they did. Over and over again, they asked.  Over and over again we said, "NO!!" (Oh, he should be so lucky!)

George and my dad happy to be holding each other.

George was lovingly named after my dad's father, George Anthony Splichal.  I cherish the photos and stories we have of Grandpa George, and love sharing them with our George. He knows darn certain he's not named after a past president.

Sunday we celebrated George's 9th birthday.  Now that he's figured out the calendar system, he's been counting down the days until his special day for over a month.  His enthusiasm is really so endearing.

The birthday boy in our family always knows to expect a smothering of hugs and kisses, birthday breakfast, the recollection of funny stories from his past and a walk through pages of past photos from birth to present.  You would think they would tire of this routine, but they live it and love it like it's something fresh and new every single time.  Traditions are wonderful like that, aren't they?

After Mass hungry tummies came home and feasted on a huge brunch, and after the last bite, George opened his gifts. I love how the brothers really get into shopping for each other.  They strategize every detail from which store to browse to how much they can spend to finding that one thing they know the birthday boy will love. It's painful to keep it a secret until the big day, and trying to contain their squeals of delight when he opens their perfect present is impossible!

We let the boys give George his big gift, which was a new bike, and I thought it was so wonderful the way they had to orchestrate the whole thing so that it would be the ultimate surprise.  Steve and I just sat sipping our coffee and watched the plan unfold.

George was exiled to another room while Ben and Andrew retrieved the bike.  Then, Ben had to cover George's eyes for the big reveal.  The moment he saw the bike, George played the perfect recipient, expressing great surprise, gratitude and excitement all at once.

True to boy form, George took it to the pavement, racing up and down the street with his brothers who had to prove which bike is the fastest.

Later that afternoon, Steve took the boys and George's buddy, Tim, to All-Star sports for some laser tag and rock wall climbing.  Then, we met Steve's parents for supper and birthday cake - a perfect way to end the day.

It's a beautiful experience for me, George, to recall your birth story, your providential entrance into this world, into our hearts, into our home.  There is no one else in the world like you!  You, and all of your wild enthusiasm for hunting, sports and crafts, you and your carefree approach to life, you and your tender generosity, you and your pure boyish charm that wins my heart over every day.  I am better because of you - the world is and will continue to be a better place because of you.  I hope you know what at gift it is to be your mom and how very much you are loved on your birthday and every day of your life!